visions of another world

Healing from guilt

Our grand piano is playing
the same old dirges again and again
the old Mill, once property of our family now stands silent
the mansion made into many flats for urban use -
but the music goes round and round in my head, my fingers
stumbling over unwilling keys to be played until I learn
the notes all pat, again and again, round and round -
but what is missing is the ambience in music
I know somewhere - and I could not find then
it to 'put it out there' to be heard.

I am lost and cannot know my way
in the wormy georgian knot, that's
somewhere in my head and I do not know yet
that this knot is holding me captive in its iron vise.
The mill stands still, but in my given time I play
the same again and again reminding me of earlier times
when the ceiling of the mansions' highest attic room
at a much earlier age was full with huge fear spiders.

In years that followed I learned to chain
those memories of pain
and saw the link to be followed simply
to be remembered.

And now they are a lucid film of dreams
that no longer need protection.
So I lay these images on the inner altar,
while singing the day's lesson in cantor manner,
a simple solitary voice,
beholding a single inner candle.

These flashbacks now tempered with forgiveness,
another strip of images arrives with happy flowers grown.
And then this child I was did not know the Spirit
so that with this decision now to choose the laws of God
I can let go now of that time and heal my story
so that my seeking changes into finding peace
with all that used to be is gone:
the nightmare is over.

And blessings now descend upon my head:
the past is gone, not just in abstract recognition:
the pain is gone with our forgiveness healing
and the deadly triangle: offender, victim and caretaker
was changed into the stardustcross with hallow center.

Arise! I hear Them say, arise!
for seeking here will not give solace
since what we know is truth for you
and all who seek their healing
from their toxic stories
and so learn to let them go:

Arise, let us go hence,
and find the wonder and the glory
of your true self as God's ambassador
to save the world.

thulananda
written 2008-06-13
Edited 2009-04-17